We survived Fathers Day. Now what?

As with everything I post. This is not mean to be considered FACTS, or the truth. It is intended to be “food for thought” and (hopefully) will generate healthy and positive discussion.

This post is inspired by this moment .

Let me begin with a controversial statement: One could argue that it is Fathers, not Mothers who have the most THANKLESS job.

By now there are a few people who have already stopped reading and want to post angry comments and perhaps block and/or unfriend me. So I won’t get to make this clarification to them: I said the most THANKLESS, mothers definitely have the most DIFFICULT job.

Mothers today have the task of having to manage the traditional stuff and also face the demands of a modern society. Basically, that means to manage the household AND also to bring in income. Yes, even if the father is in the house and he has a job, can’t live on one paycheck like our parents did, can we? Like with me: I would rather run the snow-thrower than do the dishes and wash the clothes.

Before I go on here is a side rant: I am quite upset that I (think that I) have to make this statement. Especially in the African American community, us fathers who do what we are supposed to do (a lot of times) get overshadowed by those who don’t, or are absent or are abusive. So our collective anger is essentially this statement and this question:

• Don’t loop me in with those (expletive)!
• Why do I have to defend MYSELF because some other men aren’t acting like men!

I am triggered to say this because on Facebook, I asked this question a couple of months ago: “Women elders are called “Mothers” in the church, so what do we call our elder men?” One of the first comments I got: Absent! And (I don’t  think) that was met with any resistance or upset and a couple folks thought that was funny. (I am still mad about that, btw)

End of rant

Fathers also do necessary work, like:

• Make sure the bills are paid
• Make sure everyone is safe
• Try to help with the homework (how did that become a Dad assignment, btw? Ya’ll already know patience is a mother’s gift and…we don’t know the answer either!)
• Take their kids (and a lot of time other kids) to sports (and other) practice and back home
• Teach kids how to drive. Ride a bike, etc.
• Run that “after dark” errand because someone in the household forgot something necessary and its not safe for mom and the kids to be out at that time.
• Sometimes do the laundry
• Sometimes do the dishes
• Oh and to be the “bad guy” when the kids are messing up
• Give our last dollar to make sure everyone else is taken care of
• And other stuff I forgot

Essentially: We do what we need to do so that Mom can do HER job! Which I already said is more difficult.

We do have our faults: I was watching a video about Common and his daughter and how they repaired their relationship. I agree that we sometimes tend to focus on the “Protect and Provide” and lose touch with the “softer” side of being a Dad.

That means that a lot of times we fail to drop the “protector” role even we are behind the safe doors of home. Which means us being unemotional and appear disconnected, which can lead our children to think that we don’t care about them, love them or are proud of them.

But despite our faults: We do very much love our kids, are proud of our kids (I am of both of mine) and as for caring….we would literally die for them.

And we are OK to play in the parental “backseat”. To this day, my father will say “take care of your mother” without much care of being taken care of himself, because (and I inherit this) as a man I don’t need to be taken care of and (worse yet), being taken care of is weak and for women and children only. I think the word for my father is unselfish! I aspire to be that way as well.

So here is my challenge to my community:

• Tell your father or other male who stepped up: Thank You! (I got a long appreciation text from my daughter that I think I will keep forever, it meant the world to have her tell me what she did)
• Defend the father role (against the ones who attack it) and acknowledge it is needed and valued
• Make sure it is as big a deal to acknowledge Dad on his day as it is to acknowledge Mom on her day

Something to think on:

• Our sons are watching: If a father role is not celebrated, then they may be questioning the value of that role when it becomes their turn. And the cycle continues.