Disclaimer: As with everything I post. This is not mean to be considered FACTS, or the truth. It is intended to be “food for thought” and (hopefully) will generate healthy and positive discussion or action.
You can argue with facts, not feelings.
I have learned this the hard way. When someone expresses a feeling to you, the worst thing you can say is this: You are wrong!
I mean FACTUALLY they may be 110% incorrect, but the feeling is never wrong.
So by saying “you are wrong” may trigger some more feelings that are (again) factually incorrect. Like:
- “You don’t care”
- “You don’t love me”
- “You love them more than me”
- “You don’t listen”
All of this is possibly saying “You didn’t HEAR” me. One of the most powerful way to connect with people is to allow them to “feel” like they have been heard. Only then is a rational conversation possible.
Being “heard” is very different than “I am listening”. Consider that to listen means to try to understand the situation in order to come up with a meaningful reply or a solution. If they are looking for advice, this works, but if they are saying stuff like what I mentioned above, then possibly they are not looking for advice, they are looking to be “heard”. And THAT means you get THEM!
So instead of examining the “situation” maybe the thing to do is to try to understand the “feeling” behind it.
Because if people do not feel like they are “heard”, then it escalates and they create solutions to resolve their feelings. They may say some things like:
- “F—k You”
- “I don’t want to be bothered with you anymore”
- “I’m leaving”
And it can escalate from there and maybe even get totally disrespectful, violent or permanently sever a relationship.
I am taking on “hearing” people. Because if I can provide a space where it is safe to say ANYTHING, then a whole lot is possible in a relationship.
People are smart, they don’t always need your help to resolve anything. Trying to fix everything for someone diminishes them and their power. One effect could be that they become more dependent on you, which can be annoying. It can also make them “feel” like you are saying that they are weak or incapable.
Sometimes they just want a space where they can be connected to another human being that they love. So try this on: They don’t want your solutions. They only want your LOVE!
Give them that, or they will find somewhere or someone else to go that will provide them something else or worse.
What does that look like?
Maybe not tell them they are wrong, but work to be connected to their feelings. That is gained by asking questions and looking for clarification.
They know what they are saying is painful, they know it hurts you. But that’s their way of trying to get through your wall of solutions and fixes and saying “Just love me please”.
Quiet Thunder 
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