I feel that I need to start with this: This is my expression. It is intended to generate thought and also, to heal myself and my mind. I pray it is useful for you.
As is all my posts: It is a Work in Progress, it could change before you get back to it!
Full disclosure: I first admit that this all started with an upset of mine. My upset is that I found myself falling victim to the noise and by that, maybe even contributing to or (worse) applauding the divisions I see and claim I want to heal.
I think my journey back to health began when I heard a brother say something like: “I think Black women hate us”. What bothered me and triggered the beginning of my recovery (also a work in progress) was that I actually found myself agreeing with that. I mean that’s CRAZY, right?
I am working on understanding what others may be thinking, so the first question to ask is: Why? (This is the best question EVER and the beginning of any meaningful discovery)
- Why don’t Black women talk about or celebrate us when they are given the microphone?
- Why do they keep this “they do not need us” narrative going?
- Why is it that the most celebrated relationships do not (seem to) include us?
- Why is that when we are talked about in relationships we are either portrayed as abusive a liar or a cheat.
- Why did they say that Latinos, Asians, Young people and Black women help elect Biden (and not say Black PEOPLE? (Why just our women and not US? Did we do NOTHING? We came out and voted for this ticket and….for the same reason!)
- Why in movies/television, etc are we always playing stereotypical roles (thug, gangster, absent father, etc)? In 2020!!!
- Why don’t black men get to play the guy who puts the slipper on the princess’s foot?
My assumption was now clear: Black men are getting erased. The proof is listed above!
BTW: The media (Social and MSM) helps a lot with this division and assumption for damn sure, but….another post.
But….after doing some work to get myself “smarter” I found myself screaming into the wind about this. I’ve done my research. I now have learned that We are here! We really are! We do what we can to support our families and our kids. Yes, 69% of our children are raised in single parent homes that are largely run by Black women but that does NOT mean that black fathers are absent. The truth is that WE ARE AROUND!
When I talk to and try to convince people about that last point I wasn’t getting anywhere productive with it.
Then I begin to realize that for years I also collapsed Single Mother with Absent Father. I also had the view that most of the people who looked like me were not the best people. Only after I did the research I found different.
Then I realized something: That truth does not matter!!
Hitting people over the head with “the truth” and “Facts” doesn’t work and does little good and changes no ones hearts and minds. Now I know that I need to get present to how our women, families and communities FEEL because How a person feels is never wrong, we need to stop arguing with that. If we want to make progress THIS is what we need to deal with. THIS is what we need to understand.
After an honest reflection and observation (on and offline), here is what I now get or feel. Our women and families have been holding up far too much of their share of the burden. For reasons within and out of our control we have not been as available as we should have been. From mass incarceration, to early deaths due to violence and (yes) some brothers walking away too many black men remove themselves (or get removed) from our communities and, they are left to hold everything down. BTW: This is not a new thing. This is a hundreds of years issue. It is older than even the USA!
Then I asked myself again: Do they REALLY hate US? What comes back to me: NO they never really did! And still don’t.
It seems to me that what they DO hate is that (to them) we are not there like we should be or they want us to be.
We should also consider that our actual presence is not enough to over-ride the perception that we are absent. Again: True or not, this is how they FEEL. We should honor and respect that.
This “I don’t need a man” narrative (which is deeply wounding to us) seems “to me” to be a protection (or preparation) for themselves against us not being there. Because there is some truth to this that we need to be responsible for.
To reclaim our power and our place involves changing who we are being for and within our community. This is what may move the needle.
Now: At some point in reading this, some brothers may be asking questions like:
- Don’t THEY need to change?
- Don’t THEY need to act different?
- Don’t THEY need to support us?
Well…..THEY don’t need to do anything! And demanding that THEY change without US being willing to change ourselves will make NO difference and will likely cause further harm and division.
Why? Because as Black men: WE need to own that power that everyone else except us knows we have. (Even those who don’t like us know we have it, the fear that some have is that some day we WILL own our power. But…that’s another conversation!)
Bottom Line: We are either 100% accountable for how our relationships work or we are not really committed. It’s that simple!
We need to own that our communities only work to the extent of us owning that power and using it responsibly!
So, here are some food for thought about how we can live as men and do what we can to heal our families and communities.
- Will this guarantee things will be perfect? No!
- Is this some kind of black men’s bible or even the truth? No!
- Will doing ANY of this change the perception of us? No! (well, not right away)
Still: These are just some things to think about. It is not about what THEY do or say. It is about what WE do and what WE say that will make the difference.
I did not say change who we are. There is NOTHING wrong with us. I propose that we take a look at how we interact with our world, families, communities and ourselves.
Five States of Being Black Men could take on to heal themselves and our community
Be Available
Definition: Able to be used or obtained; at someone’s disposal.
The question to answer in this space: Are we there when they need us?
If we are in jail, dead, unhealthy or checked out, we are not available to our families or our woman. We need to take better care of ourselves so that we can take care of and be fully available to them. We need to fully commit to our communities and families and then hold each other to account for meeting this standard.
Some things to ask ourself!
- Are we eating healthy (Pointing BIG finger at myself)?
- Are the people around us responsible people who are living responsible lives? (i.e. Are we hanging around good brothers?)
- Are we there and/or pick up the phone when the call comes?
- When we do achieve success, do we also want to leave where we came from? Someone that is still where we were needs to have access to us so that they can see what is possible for them.
The best example I know is MY father. Was he around the house all day with us? No
But (for those who knew him) he had a saying: “If you need me call me”. I cannot think of a time we ever called him when he didn’t come right away.
Being Available:
- Is NOT necessarily: Hanging around the house all day
- It is: Being someone who shows up when we are needed.
But sometimes our baby boy or girl needs to know we are in the house so that they feel safe. They feel safe because WE are there.
Be Generous
Definition:” Showing a readiness to give more of something, (such as) as money or time, than is strictly necessary or expected.”
The question to answer in this space: Are we really being generous?
This does not necessarily mean financial. In fact, in my experience the people with the least money are the most generous. Because they show up for others. They coach the basketball teams, they show up for mentoring sessions, they make sure kids get home from school or practice.
Just because we can write a check for a lot of money does not make us generous. Sometimes our kids need to be in the presence of black men who are capable of writing that check or getting it written.
Being generous is about what we are willing to give of ourselves.
Be Powerful
Definition: “having great power or strength”
We are men: We are built stronger. How we use it and show it is everything. In my opinion, we are built stronger because we are built to protect.
I can’t recall where I heard this (likely was my father), but growing up, I was made to believe that what women at a minimum want from men is safety. This means that not only will WE not do harm to her, we will not allow harm to come. So there is something to those articles and clothing talking about “Protect Black Women“. Its a REAL thing and a REAL need!
When necessary, we do need to exert our power. At a minimum I think we need to start training our young men to tell our young women (well the ones they know well): No, you are not walking to home/school/store by yourself. Its not safe! And to make sure that she safely gets where she needs to go. Fact is there are too many predators in the hood and a lot of them look like us. They need to be made to FEEL that they can rely on us and they are not alone.
The key is not to over-exert our power, but to make sure that our family/community knows that this power is available if needed.
I am not a bible scholar, but I need to point this verse out: Part of Mark 9:35 says “Anyone who wants to be first must be the very last, and the servant of all.”
As men we are told to be “Head of Household”. This (to me) does not mean “the boss”. IMO, it is an accountability to make sure that all of those in our households are protected and provided for and….this is our FIRST priority. That being to be of service to them!
This does not mean we need to make a million bucks a month and we actually can make sure that they are protected and provided for even if we are “broke”, LOTS of brothers are doing this. It is about doing what we can to make sure that they are taken care of first.
This does not mean we give all of the orders. Trust me. In MY house, I am not the one giving all the orders. My wife gives way more orders to me than I do to her.
I can only be an imperfect servant and trust that if I take care of her, then she will do the same for me. But, she does not HAVE to for me to be that servant.
Be Loyal
Definition: “a strong feeling of support or allegiance”
Here are 5 ways to recognize a truly loyal relationship:
- A loyal relationship is supportive. A loyal person will reach out to you when you need them
- A loyal relationship is respectful
- A loyal relationship is trustworthy
- A loyal relationship is sincere
- A loyal relationship has integrity
Two questions to ask:
- Do you demonstrate these traits in your relationships (Family, Friends, and community)?
- Do you honor people who demonstrate this towards you?
This the part some of you don’t want to hear. You want loyalty, respect and admiration, then be prepared to give it FIRST! If you are not willing to give it, then you are not deserving of it.
Children
OUR Children: As true men we owe our children our full loyalty. Why? Simple: Just because they are here and they are ours. What’s the old saying? “They did not ask to be here”. Because WE took part in them being here, we owe them this. No matter what! You may not have a quality relationship with their mother, but you MUST make sure that you always have your children’s back and they know it!
Woman
If your woman is being loyal to you, you know she is the right one for you and you have professed that she is your one (and she agrees), then you also need to be true to that. Any good women wants to know that she can trust you to put her first. You need to be able to pass her rope test. You keep failing the rope test, then she will know that you are not loyal to her and you will rightfully lose her. No telling her you hanging with your boys and can’t help her change that tire, then come over later after SHE fixed it and want to chill like nothing happened.
You want to be a powerful man, then be loyal to her. And you will get and deserve hers. Nothing like having that life partner. Be in tune with her and fulfill what she needs as best you can. The reward is 10 fold what you give. A good women brings you peace in your life and there is no price tag on that.
If you know that you just can’t be loyal to a women, then please only mess with the woman playing your game and leave the women who want and expect a loyal man alone.
Oh and hold each other to account on this. If you see your friend keeps running around when you know he got a quality woman, then I recommend you hold him to account to that up to and including ending that friendship. If he ain’t loyal to a good woman, then he is not a loyal person at all and likely not loyal to YOU either!!
Your Friends
Most of us don’t understand there is a difference between your “boys” and your “friends”. Your boys will be cool to play video games with and have some brews, but that’s all you can count on them for. Hang around them? Sure, but know what you are dealing with.
Friends are the brothers you can trust with your life and your family’s life. They are actually rare. Your boys may be willing to go to the store for you or your kids, but if you out of town or too far away, will they make sure your wife or daughter gets that flat fixed at 10pm on Friday night? Your friends would do that. Just like you would do for them.
They are the ones you can call at night when you are totally stressed out and they can also talk you off that bridge you about to jump off. Like when you had a couple of drinks and that fine lady is smiling at you. The brother that’s telling you to go home to your lady…that’s your friend. Your boys will let you mess up and laugh about it.
Loyal loving children, girlfriends/wives, and friends are more valuable than gold. They bring you peace of mind and security. But to have that, you need to be that and bring it.
Be Proud
Definition: Feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one’s own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.
Black women have made a powerful movement out of phrases and hashtags like #blackgirlsrock or #blackgirlmagic among many.
The question for my brothers is this: Does being black and male give US pride?
You may be able to tell by now I am a fan of Ralph Ellison. So here is another quote to put on your wall. It is on my “wall”.
People who looked like us (melanated and male) have made HUGE contributions to not only our people, but this country. Some links to click: Personally I am upset that Tiger Woods is not on this list, but that is another post.
- Robert Abbot
- Richard Allen
- James Baldwin
- Benjamin O Davis Sr
- Frederick Douglass
- Charles Drew
- Thurgood Marshall
- Booker T Washington
So take some time to study what black men have done to shape the history of America and by extension, us as a people. We are not just one thing. We are not just athletes and rappers. We have been and are men who have accomplished in every field of human endeavor and should be celebrated as such. But first, take a moment and celebrate US!
Being proud also means respecting each other as men. Either call each other by our given name or refer to him as “brother”. We should stop calling each other n—as and stop listening to “artists” who become millionaires by calling us that and our women as B–es and h–s. BTW, unlike popular assumption people have this is NOT their own expression, they are getting paid to generate this trash music. I think Poor Righteous Teachers can give you some insight on the how and why of this.
Wise and related words below from Mr. Boseman (Listen Carefully):
We as a people are correctly starting to refer to our women as Queens. Well a Queen is not a match for a N—a. Is it?
Know who you are my brothers! You are a MAN and a KING! Time to put on our crowns. Our people are waiting on us to do that and lets not keep them waiting anymore!
We are NOT what they say we are! I leave you from my favorite scene from the Chi!
#BlackMenMatter
Quiet Thunder 
You must be logged in to post a comment.