Only God Can Judge Me: But You can help me!

Since it is Men’s Mental Health Month, I have been coming back to the lyrics of the Song “Only God Can Judge Me” by Tupac.

That song is so loaded with powerful words (if you think on them and can handle a little rough language),

Here is the part of the song I think is most relevant to this month!

Dear mama, can you save me? And fuck peace
‘Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male’s trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin’ ’round strapped
Mista, Police, please try to see that it’s
A million motherfuckers stressin’ just like me

His words here are kinda prophetic. Multiple studies have shown that recently, Black males had the highest increase in suicide attempts compared to any other race in the group, increasing nearly 80%.

Below is a good panel discussion on this topic. If you have time, please watch it.

Here is my take!

The first thing to get is that Black Men LITERALLY have a target on their back that no one else experiences. Not White Men, Not White Women, and even Black Women do not have this target on their back.

Let me be clear: Black women are IMPACTED by Black Men being a target, in large part mainly because their men are missing, but they themselves do not have this target on them. They get the residuals of not having their fathers or not having the father of their children with them and emotionally healthy.

You may be asking at this point: What has me say that Black Men have a target on them no one else has?

Great Question! Here is my response: I have shared this graphic in other places on this blog, but I feel compelled to show it again.

What this data says is that Black Men are 6% of the population of the USA and represent almost a third of all inmates. This translates to one in three black men born in 2001 will spend some time locked up.

Here is another graph titled: Lifetime Likelihood of Imprisonment for U.S. Residents Born in 2001

See what I mean?

And from there it actually gets worse: Above was talking about the low end of things. Even Black men who do the right thing, get educated and attain good incomes still experience high degrees of discrimination and depression.

So let’s see: If I am just walking around, I got a one-on-three chance of getting locked up and if I do decide to work hard and better myself, I still am not accepted into the mainstream.

I think that’s enough to drive anyone crazy, isn’t it? Just like Tupac said, “No more hesitation each and every black male’s trapped”.

We as Black men have to ask ourselves what do we need to do to be part of society, to be accepted, to be treated as fully human? In some circles the answer is nothing. Whatever I do, whatever I accomplish, even to my own people I am just a n–a!

Wouldn’t you call that a trap? I would. And where is the exit? (That question is very scary when you think of it.)

Or as Tupac said in the same song: “Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here ‘Cause even thugs cry, but do the Lord care?”

And….who do we talk to? Who will listen to what we feel?

Mental Health is a universal health crisis for sure, however for Black Men, suicide is escalating out of control, I emphasize again research shows a nearly 80% increase in Black male adolescents attempting suicide since 1991.

Some thought starters I have on how we address and support our young men.

NEVER Deflect

One of the ways to kill off discussion about Black Men and mental health/suicide is to make this all about YOU:

• It doesn’t help when we say that seemingly logical stuff like “we all have this problem” or “everyone is suffering”. Might be true, but the message is that your pain is more important.
• It doesn’t help when we talk about black men, that we THEN end up talking about another sub-group. The message is that the other group is more important.
• It also doesn’t help to tell them that all they need is God and Prayer. This is not a substitute for getting necessary mental health treatment! The message is that therapy is for weak and unfaithful people!
• It doesn’t help when we start talking about all of the crimes that Black Men commit and that they cheat on their women, or are bad and absent fathers. The message is: You all deserve this! (Oh and the absent father stereotype is misleading at best)

Be attentive

There is a real fear, anxiety, and frustration with our young black men and boys, making it hard for them to share it.

• Ask questions and listen to what they are saying. You may be the only one who heard them that day and maybe what you think they are about is not what they actually are about.
• Be aware of how they are feeling, even when they are not talking. Let them know its ok for them to feel the way they do.
• If they do want to talk, find some time to talk with them. They are opening up to you because they trust you.
• Never argue with how they feel. How a person feels is never wrong.

Be aware of what they are dealing with and honor their humanity

Once you really SEE what they are dealing with, you can do something about it!

• First: Watch a video and get yourself educated and aware of what life is like growing up in their skin in their own words.
• If you are a teacher, don’t let them just sit in the back and not speak. Be a demand that they participate and find ways to engage them. It matters and make a difference.
• Allow them to be children when they are children. Know that as early as 10 years of age, black boys are considered threatening when other boys get the benefits of just being kids. Not allowing them the opportunity to be kids and having to deal with adult stuff too young will do them harm.
• It doesn’t make them strong to tell them that its weak to cry or be emotional. They hear this way too much. The message they get is that being emotional is not safe and you may cripple their ability to love and receive love. Tell them to cry is safe, human and healing.
• Don’t believe the hype and don’t let them believe the hype. Black men are not portrayed well in the media, television, music and other medium. This shapes the feeling that society has about them as a whole and shapes how they are treated. Remember that they are watching the same shows.

Celebrate them openly and allow them to celebrate themselves

Show them heroes that look like them and destroy the narrative

• Watch what shows you subject them too. The world has lots of superheroes, almost none look like them. Make sure they get to see super heroes who look like them.
• Show them movies that have someone who looks like them be the guy who gets to be the “perfect guy with the pretty girl”
• Show them movies based on true stories that show American heroes that look like them doing things that most people did not know black men did.
• Show them real stories of fathers reconnecting with their sons and how much that means to both of them!
• Show them how exciting it is to be a dad and how when dad shows up what that means to his daughter!
• Show them dads who look like them can have fun with their kids!
• Show them guys who look and talk like them doing different things, doing them well and having fun!
• If you got a good brother with you, that is holding it down and doing the right thing, then every once in a while tell them and tell the world!
• Cover the plane that lands and not the plane that crashes, honor the brothers doing the right things. We do what we see and seeing positive men celebrated will inspire them and give them hope that they matter.

Why do all of this?

You might think I am saying that we need to save Black Men and Boys. Not at all.

The intent is to give them new tools, a new view of themselves, and a new pride in who they are.

Give them that, show them that they are loved and necessary and they can save themselves.

But most of all remember this: Men are built to be needed. Our whole sense of self-worth is based upon how much we feel like we are of value to our community, our women, and our families and how well we think we are doing for them.

Take away being necessary, being told we can be replaced and (IMO) we as men do not have very much to live for.

I think this explains that 80%, doesn’t it?

Below is that video of the young boys and men explaining what it’s like for them. What Little Maddox said was really heartbreaking if you are listening. Why does he need to say that at 10 years old?