Thank you for the apology, here is one we should owe you back!

Watch the video first, then see my response!!

WOW! This was deep. This sister is deep! She has LOTS to say that hits home.

Some of the comments on the video seem to reinforce what she is saying. Some comments are very triggering and painful to read (at least to me!). A couple sisters thought this was dangerous and asked that she take this video down. I am pleased that to date, she hasn’t.

But I get that the comments are in response to the pain OUR women feel, so I ask this: Do WE as Black Men also have some things to apologize for?

IMO: Absolutely!

I think that we need some version between Black Men and Women of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission!

Dr. Venus Opal Reese says that some Black Women view us through the lens of White Supremacy, I agree 100%!

I also assert that too many Black Men listen to and view our women through the same lens and we need to apologize for a lot as well.

Here are a few things.

• We do not get angry when men (who look like US) call them b—-es and h—s) – In fact, we play and enjoy music that spreads that theme (which buys into the theme that other men view them)
• We tolerate men (who look like us) to hyper-sexualize, insult, and degrade our women, thus making them even more of a target and making it OK for other men to do the same
• We do not take action when we see them abused or hurt and we sometimes actually remain friends with those who hurt them making us somewhat complicit in their suffering
• We do try and protect, but we do not go far enough so that she can FEEL protected
• We do not take full accountability for being THE power in the room for them so that they can be the women they should be and not think they have to be a “super woman”
• We do not share our own humanity with them, meaning they do not really know us and, therefore, do not have access to really appreciate us
• We listen to men who make relationships with our women seem like some kind of expense or transaction instead of appreciating the UNIQUE value that they bring to us
• We treat them as someone who has to earn our trust, thus blocking any potential for love and closeness that we both need and want.
• We failed to value their strength and sometimes even took advantage of it and/or tolerated other men who did
• We failed to (enough) appreciate her beauty and defend them against men who say they are not
• When they DO support us, we often do not say thank you for it and celebrate and promote the ones who do.
• We often fail our “rope test” and act (or sometimes ARE) oblivious to the impact when we do.
• We don’t (enough) stand up, stay connected to our communities, and be an example for young men (their sons) who may not have access to positive black male role models to follow. At the first sign of our success, we move to higher ground.
• We value gaining wealth ourselves instead of building it with you.
• We (or a lot of us) do not even refer to ourselves as MEN, making us SEEM less than other men and thus deferring the power WE should own to the patriarchy
• We were and sometimes still are unwilling to stand up against the patriarchy for you, the days of us not being able to defend our women are LONG over! There needs to be a price to pay for causing our women harm!
• We took the trinkets the Patriarchy gave us (and to you) as an excuse to stay out of the way, making you more reliant on them than on us

Bottom Line: We both owe each other an apology.

• We have been cruel to each other
• We have been dismissive of each other
• We have been disrespectful to each other
• We have not been sensitive to each other’s feelings
• We view our problems as separate and distinct and not a problem of the collective
• Some of us actually behave like we are each others main problem and not the patriarchy

If you are a Black Man thinking Black Men don’t owe Black Women an apology OR if you are a Black Woman thinking Black Women don’t owe Black Men an apology: You may be part of the problem!

And we need to apologize for our own actions AND the acts of some of our ancestors who created and sustained this generational horror.

How do we move forward?

• We forgive each other and ourselves.
• We work to heal and talk to each other as men and women committed to living the dream our ancestors wanted us to live but did not know how to achieve themselves.
• Black Men hold other Black Men accountable for how they treat Black Women
• Black Women hold other Black Women accountable for how they treat Black Men

We know how to do this and we DO have the tools.

It is WAY past time to use them!