Time to let my shield down!

I am pretty clear my fundamental way of being is telling the world this: I will do it myself, leave me the f–k alone

What that really translates into is: I really want to just be alone (where its safe)

• I believe that it is not safe to let people close to me because I am afraid I will be judged as inadequate
• I believe that it is not safe to let people close to me because I may be ridiculed or not accepted
• I believe that it is not safe to let people close to me because then they will have the opportunity to really hurt me
• I believe that it is not safe to let people close to me because then they may have the chance to really change me and I do not want to change

Just to be clear: I want to stay exactly the way I am.

• I have survived
• I have made a good income
• I have provided for my family
• My kids are compete and competing college and my son about to get his Masters!

I did this by being exactly who I am so please……leave me the f–k alone. I don’t need YOU in close to me and messing things up!!

You see: I grew up old school, which means I was told and brought up to believe that because I was a Big Black Guy, I should do what I can to not scare people because you can get KILLED for that.

In a way, being scary kept me safe as long as I was respectful and friendly.

• People actually like THAT version of me
• People actually respected THAT version of me
• People actually valued THAT version of me

It is SOO easy being scary, then all people want is for you to

• Obey the rules
• Don’t get out of line
• Don’t cause any trouble
• Comply and you get to stay alive

Being scary (and friendly) kept me safe because THEN I would have the “advantage”: People would (hopefully) think I am cool AND at the same time (and most importantly), they would keep their distance.

I am 6ft 5in tall, over 300 pounds and somehow I have managed to make myself (I thought) invisible. An amazing accomplishment!

But it ALSO means I am unknown and it is on me because I never show people who I am.

Here is what there is to get: Its a false front!

To keep myself “safe”:

• I never show anger
• I never show sadness
• I never show fear
• I never show that I need to be needed
• I never show that (yes) I really want to talk to you
• I never show that sometimes I want to be the one people want to connect with
• I never show that I want to be heard
• I never show that I would give almost anything to be loved, appreciated and respected.
• I never really show love (well, not in the way others are allowed to)

So I wear the mask!

Someone recently observed this about me: I have gotten so comfortable behind that shield of being scary. They also noticed that me holding onto being scary is just another form of protection for myself AND the (REAL) truth is: I am WAY more afraid of people than they are of me.

I was told: You really ain’t fooling anyone and no one is scared of you! Stop hiding!

So time to create a new future and I am truly scared by it.

I am creating a NEW possibility of Peace, Compassion, Unity & Trust. This aligns with what I am up to in the world and creating in my community.

I must be “be the change I want to see”.

This means I must be comfortable with who I am, trust myself to operate without that shield and trust that the world will accept me and not be afraid if they don’t.

Because some don’t accept me with my shield up and those who love me are waiting for me to put it down and be with them!